Consent in romance is sexy, but consenting to lack of consent is sexy, too

Blog post by: M. Bonneau

Social media discourse is, as we all know, cyclical. The same debates and “hot takes” come back over and over again every time one of us feels tempted to poke the hornet’s nest. In the book community, the topic of consent in romance novels feels a bit like an immortal cat. It long ago lived and died its nine lives, but it keeps going. Eighteen, twenty-seven, one-thousand and seventeen…

Well, since we can’t seem to let it go, let’s kill the proverbial cat one more time. (Sorry, Kitty. We know you’ll be back.)

Consent matters. That’s a given. When real people decide to dance the horizontal tango, consent is mandatory. It doesn’t matter if the tango is vanilla or kinky, without consent it’s not a tango at all. It’s assault.

Fiction is the same, right?

When two (or three or ten or fifty) characters are dancing the tango in fiction, consent is necessary.

Sort of

Because consent is absolutely sexy. We’ve all read a romance where one character sought explicit and careful consent before touching another and fanned ourselves at how hot that scene was. Can I kiss you? Can I touch you? Can I unbutton your pants? Will you let me tie you up? Do you like the way this feels? Can I lick you here? Put my fingers there?

And for many of us, that’s our fantasy: to have a partner who cares deeply about our consent, and who won’t enjoy intimacy unless we’re fully enjoying it with them. For many people, women especially, our real-life sexual experiences have not incorporated enough consent. The world is full of self-centered people who prioritize their own desires, or who assume that the lack of a ‘no’ must necessarily mean an enthusiastic ‘yes,’ which it does not. We often feel unsafe or embarrassed saying no, are coerced by manipulative partners who know how to push our buttons to get what they want, or revoke or deny our consent only to be ignored, mocked, or gaslit.

Sex is one of the most beautiful types of intimacy humans can share with each other, and all too often we are denied the chance to experience it safely and consensually in our real lives.

Romance novels are an escape, a manifestation of our desires for something better. The consent in romances helps us feel seen, loved, cared for. It’s hot, and often it’s even an integral part of dirty talk in romances, the very thing that gets us in the mood.

But sometimes it's not, and that's hot, too

Fiction is one of those safe spaces where a lack of consent between the characters can be unbelievably sexy, to the right reader. Where a certain scene or dynamic is made sexier by dubious or lacking consent between the characters.

Between the characters. I keep saying that, because it’s important.

Because consent between the characters is NOT the consent that matters.

In dark romance (or indeed any type of romance or erotica), the consent that matters is between the reader and the author. The author provides a non-consensual sexual fantasy, and the reader consents to read it.

(Which brings us to another piece of cyclical discourse. Oops, looks like the cat has a friend. Do trigger warnings really matter? Are they necessary? The only correct answer is YES. They matter so that people can give or revoke their informed consent to non-con/dub-con content in fiction, but we’ll talk about that more in Part 2…)

The relationship between reader and author, in this instance, is like the relationship between a sub and a dom in a kink scene. When engaging in non-con fantasies, the consent and limits are discussed beforehand. In romances/erotica, that’s the purpose trigger warnings/content warnings serve.

For some readers, that’s not acceptable. They are not comfortable reading fiction where consent is disregarded, and that’s ok. They can look at the trigger warnings, decide the book isn’t for them, and move on to another.

For other readers, the non-consent is the attraction. For many of us, it’s a safe way to engage in a heavy kink that might be unsafe to act out in real life. For others, it’s a way of healing from our own trauma. Choosing to read non-con scenes allows us to feel in control of an intimate situation where the characters do not have control, a situation that may mirror our real-life trauma. We get to decide when to open the book and when to close it, when to dive into something that can help us wrench back emotional control from the person who abused us, and when to step away.

A lack of consent is both an important tool for healing, and a valid sexual fantasy.

Problems arise when we try to instill shame. How could you enjoy that? It’s sick! It’s not healthy!

It is healthy, in fact. Any sex or trauma therapist would tell you so. The vast majority of people enjoying non-consensual romance and erotica are not going out into the real world afterwards to inflict their non-con fantasies on unsuspecting partners. They derive pleasure from the fictional fantasy, not from real-life abuse. There are plenty of people in the world who happily disregard consent; they are overwhelmingly NOT romance readers.

And the puritanical stance that non-consensual romance leads to abuse in real life falls apart quickly when applied in parallel situations. Are we saying that people who play ‘Pokemon’ are kidnapping animals left and right? Do we believe that fans of ‘Game of Thrones’ are murderers and rapists? Are we accusing people who watched ‘You’ of stalking? Do players of ‘Grand Theft Auto’ all careen through the streets, hiring sex workers and dealing drugs?

Of course not. That would be crazy, right? Because we understand, when talking about other types of entertainment, that enjoying something in fiction does not translate to enjoying that same thing in real life. Fiction is not reality.

And consent in romance is sexy, but consenting to a lack of consent is sexy, too.

~~~

M. Bonneau is a romance novelist writing contemporary, historical, fantasy, and dark romance. As a survivor of sexual violence and lover of dark romantic content, talking about consent in romance is one of their special interests. You can find them on social media (@blueskiesblacksoul across all platforms)